the heart breaks (open) expanding its capacity for love.

-me in so many words

this is wisdom i have gained from knowledge, both direct and indirect.

many moons ago (pun intended) during training, one of my teachers (Shari Friedrichsen) said "the heart cracks open to let the light shine." with this nugget of wisdom, coupled with life's experiences, i developed my own version of this.

here is one such experience i had recently.

April 7th was my dad's birthday. he has been gone for 22 years now. wow!

over the years, we have celebrated his life in many different ways. at first it was more pain than joy. now it's "joy with fragments of melancholy pain."

the heart breaks (open) expanding its capacity for love.

one constant ritual i have is wearing wear his gold necklace, one he wore every day for many, many years of his life. this year when i put it on, i really felt his presence, felt my heart stir. having been through over 2 decades of his birthday and the date of his passing, i knew/felt this one was going to be an emotional one. i was apprehensive about my ability to keep it together the entire day.

it has been said when you see the number 4 or 44 or 444 (the number four in any form), it is a sign. it's the divine is reminding you she is with you; she has your back, relax, enjoy.

as i continued to get ready for my day, i check the time; it's 8:44; my heart relaxes a little. later i check the temperature it's 44 degrees; the corners of my mouth turn up.

time to leave for the studio, but first a stop at Starbucks (no surprise there). i sat in line in the drive thru, which i rarely do. i honestly don't know why I chose the drive thru, maybe i needed the solitude. i look at my car's dashboard, it's 44 degrees and the time ends in 44. i pick up my phone to open the starbucks app, time and temp 44. a rush of joy. my dad's here. when this thought flickers through my mind, my heart trembles, it's ready to crack open to take hold of the feelings of joy, of love, and pain. i feel myself resist, closing my heart. it hurts when things break. i catch myself doing this. "okay you can do this. you can handle it," i tell myself. the joy and love come in and the tears fly out.

the heart breaks (open) expanding its capacity for love.

fortunately, the drive thru is slow. it took sometime. i wipe my eyes, get my drink, and it's off to the studio. my day continues. it's late afternoon when i get home, mill about, do some things, and turn the tv on and see this:

a little while later my phone rings. i miss the call, pick up my phone, and see this:

I feel loved, supported, connected. it's here, my dad's unconditional love, the same unconditional love he has always given and shown me. it's still with me. phew. I need a moment.

the heart breaks (open) expanding its capacity for love.

well, it's back to the studio to teach my night class. when i get there, i am so moved by my day. i share it with Kelly & Tori, telling them this whole story. even as i tell it, i am moved by it, as are they.

the next morning i open my email and find this:

the heart breaks (open) expanding its capacity for love.

-light your lamp & you light the world

june